Random thoughts…#1.

Remember how I told you my blog will be so random? well here it is. I do not promise you that this will be a long blog because I do not know just how many words i have to write here. So in the evening today i sat down in my courtyard, watching the sun go down and a very harsh, if i can say that, or a very random and startling thought came to mind. Most of us have a person, or maybe people in our lives that we would go back to no matter what they do to us. By that i mean we would forgive them over and over again no matter how much shit or pain they put us through. They could make a thousand promises to you and break them all at once or one by one and you would still forgive them and take them back in a second. Well, it could be a friend or a person you love. Or maybe it could also be people. Several of them, although i feel like it’s very unlikely but anyways, people are different. No judgments here. Although you know, in this current context, a person you love would fit better because friends hardly would do something like that. But maybe if you know a friend who did it, then sorry i guess. So in this post i will be using the example of a person you love. Back to what i was saying, there is usually this one person that you would forgive and take them back if they asked you to because you love them to the point of overlooking everything wrong that they do or did. You are willing to dive into that toxic relationship over and over again. Some people might even say that you don’t love yourself because you are literally choosing to get hurt all the damn time. Like no matter how much they hurt you, or put you through shit, or break all their promises, or treat you like shit, you would still go back to them in a heartbeat. Sometimes i sit and think about the numerous times that i have given the person i love a chance. I sit and think long and hard about it and sometimes i hate myself for it. Like why do i have to be easy? They can just send me a simple text saying “hi”  after so many months of not talking and i would reply at the same time without even thinking at all, then later i would beat myself up for it and feel guilty about it and wishing i could take it back but i can’t. Simply because i am unable to let go of them. Yeah, i hate myself so much for allowing them to do that to me all the time and i always say to myself, just give them one more chance, what if they have really changed this time?what if they will really stay? what if they will keep their promises this time?what if they actually mean what they are saying?. That’s the problem with being too lenient towards people who deserve nothing but your hate for the way they have treated you or are treating you. But you cannot just bring yourself to hate them because that person makes you so happy no matter how toxic they are to you. Some of the happiest moments that you have in your life are with them. They literally light up your world and just make you kind of love life and love yourself maybe. But they are the same person who leave you broken and hurt and in pieces again when they leave and you world, as colorful as it was with their presence there, becomes dark again. You promise yourself all the time that next time you are going to be strong and say no and let them go but that next time never comes. And that is not because you are weak but it’s because you are unable to. People around you may try to make you understand that, that person is toxic for you and that  he/she does not deserve you and that you can do better than that. But they will not understand the reason why you let them come back into your life even after they hurt you numerous times, and you can’t even find a way to explain it to them because you have no words and sometimes you too do not understand why. But you know, even if you accept them and take them back countless of time, forgive them a million times, one day your heart and soul will get tired on it’s own and you will just let go of them. Maybe you will understand that you deserve so much more and so much better when a new person comes along and treats you just right. And in that moment, you will set them free and let them go never to look back because once your heart and soul are tired, you have reached your limit. Your capacity to tolerate pain is over flowing and you cannot take it anymore. You who is reading this, you might be a person who is going through this. You might be the person accepting or you might be the person who is doing that to another person or you might be a person who has let go.  If you are a person who is going through this, i know how you are feeling. I know your darkness and  i know your light. And one day you will heal completely and after that, there will be no stopping you because you will know just how much you are worth. To you who is doing that to another person, please, stop for a moment and think, why? why are you ruining someone else’s sanity and peace? How does it help you? Does it bring you happiness and peace? You might take them for granted now, but trust me, your day will come. Finally, to you who has let go, you have found your light again, and now you know just how much more worthy you are. Let that light stay with you forever and may darkness not descend on you ever. We all have that one person…