Feeling everything and Nothing at all.

Sometimes, there are days whereby any little thing can have a drastic effect on your mood. Like for instance, let’s say you come across a post that you deeply identify with. Maybe it is something to do with a particularly painful memory, or anything for that matter. It could also be a good post that is linked to a happy memory, and when you see it you end up feeling so happy about it or you end up feeling so sad and low and throughout the day you tend to revisit it all the time. well, I don’t know about you but as for me i can say that when i come across a post that is linked to a happy memory, i feel happy in that particular moment and you relive the memory maybe for sometime, but if it is linked to a sad memory, then i end up staring at it and torture myself inwardly by remembering every small detail. I end up wallowing the whole day feeling down and under the weather and that also affects my interactions with other people. Sometimes i feel like I’m hurting all over again. And i can’t help it. I could try so hard to forget about it by keeping myself busy, but in the back of my mind, i know that at night I’m going to be alone with nothing to do and I’ll end up wallowing in sadness unable to sleep at all. Trust me, staring at the ceiling is something I’ve done so many times that is has sort of become like a habit (for reasons i will explain in my later posts). Some people have been hurt so deeply that it becomes hard for them to do anything at all but to curl up in a ball and lie down and cry their heart out. That is something that does happen. Maybe not to a lot of people but to some. And these some can tell you just how deeply damaging and painful it is. Sometimes there is no other option but to lie down and try to gather your thoughts and maybe reset yourself for a while. To some people that may sound over dramatic. They might think that how can one post even do that to a person? But it is true, it does happen. Sometimes small things can have such a profound impact on someone’s life. Small things do have the ability to change someones life. A small mean word or a small nice compliment can do wonders, either good or bad. Just like Hannah Baker in “13 reasons why”. The small compliments in her compliment bag could have been the reason why she would not have killed herself. So, small things matter.

On the other hand, there could be days whereby you just feel nothing at all. You don’t feel sad or happy or excited. It’s like you are an empty shell. You just move through your days like a zombie without actually feeling anything or living the moments of your life. Maybe that happens because you have been through so much pain that now you are just used to it so you actually don’t even feel it. It’s like anything bad that happens to you , you have no reaction. you are just like ” well, it’s not the first time is it?” and to me personally, that is heart breaking. Because how much pain can one be put through until you just become so numb to any other pain or feeling. At some point that person would just give up on everything if they have nothing to live for or if they are unable to overcome the numbness and move out of the darkness. Is there any external factor that can help someone climb out of the darkness? ┬áLike if the person themselves are unwilling to climb out of it or seek help or even help themselves, then i don’t know what can help them. Maybe if they have someone who would constantly encourage them or be their ray of light in the dark tunnel they are so cooped up in. So all in all i have a question. which is worse or which is better; feeling every little emotion or feeling nothing at all?

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